Judi was walking by the jewelry store one day in the midtown mall. She saw a diamond bracelet that she really liked. In the store she went.

“Excuse me,� she said to the sales lady behind the counter, “Will a small deposit
hold that bracelet until my husband does something unforgivable?�

Somewhere around 60 years ago, according to Zeddie Gillenwater of Sumerco, a woman sold her tobacco crop and, with a stack of bills in her hand, headed off to the store to buy a good, wood-burning stove.

"We have several different makes and sizes," the clerk said. "About what BTU did you have in mind?"

"B-T-U?"

"Yes, ma'am. That's a unit of measure, a way to measure heat."

"Well, I don't know nothin' about B-T-U. All I want is a stove big enough to heat a B-U-T as big as a T-U-B."

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, "Do you have any small note-books?"

"Sorry," says the manager. "We're all out."

The woman shrugs, and asks, "Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?"

"Nope, don't have that either," says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, "Do you have Doritos? Nachos?"

The manager shrugs, "Sorry."

"Hmmph. How about Chapstick?" says the woman.

"Nope. Don't have that."

"Wow!" the woman shouts, "If you don't have anything, you should close the stupid store!"

The manager shrugs, "Don't have the key."

A girl says to a salesman, “I'm not sure if I should buy a sweatshirt or a windbreaker.�

He says, “Well, that depends. Are you gonna sweat, or are you gonna break wind?�

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30AM, the store's opening time.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw and knocked around a bit and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he complained to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

A man goes into his local building supply store and orders 10,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"It's going to be a barbecue."

"Wow, that's a lot of bricks for one barbecue."

"Not really. You see, I live on the 12th floor."

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front of the store (near the cash registers), when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than ten items."

A mother and a daughter are shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."

The daughter protests, "But mom, some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this."

"Don't worry honey," says the mother, "your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

A man walks into a jewelry store to buy his girlfriend an engagement ring. Looking behind the glass case, he comes across an exquisite band with a handsome-sized rock in its center.

“Excuse me sir,� the gentleman says to the salesman. “How much is this ring?�

“Ah, that's a beautiful piece,� the salesman replies. “It goes for $10,000.�

“My God!� the man exclaimed. “That's a lot of money!�

“Yes, but a diamond is forever.�

“Perhaps,� the gentleman replied, “but my marriage won't last that long!�