police jokes
Police Jokes (Showing 1
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New person in prison
A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
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Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.
The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out.
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."
The new man asked, "What happened?"
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"
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Make a last request
Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"
"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
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"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"
"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
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Looking into their eyes
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Dealing with trouble
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
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Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
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Where are you from?
Theater Guest A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
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When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
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Undercover detective
A tourist asks a man in uniform, "Are you a policeman?"
"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
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"No, I am an undercover detective."
"So why are you in uniform?"
"Today is my day off."
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Government is there
At recent trade talks the American representative offered to sell sophisticated American telephone technology to the Russians.
American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."
Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."
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American : "In the United States, anyone can pick up any phone and dial 9-1-1. This will record the call and connect them with the police."
Russian : "In Russia we don't require that you dial anything."
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How fast was I going?
"When I saw you driving down the road, I guessed 55 at least."
"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
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"You're wrong, officer, it's only my hat that makes me look that old."
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Judge has some fun
A judge grew tired of seeing the same town drunk in front of his bench. One day the judge glared down at the man, who was still intoxicated, and thundered "It is the sentence of this court that you be taken from here to a place of execution and there hanged by the neck until DEAD."
The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
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The drunk promptly fainted.
The court bailiff commenced to reviving the man, and looked up at the judge, at which time the judge shrugged and responded "I've always wanted to do that."
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Stupid blonde driver
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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Criminal steals lumber
A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that for years he had been stealing building supplies from the lumberyard where he worked.
"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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"What did you take?" his priest asked.
"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."
"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"
"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But if you can get the plans, I can get the lumber."
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What is the future
My horoscope read, "You're going places and you can't be stopped."
Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge?"
Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.
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Apparently the cop who gave me a ticket hadn't read it.
Polceman: "I'm afraid that I'm going to have to lock you up for the night."
Man: "What's the charge?"
Polceman: "Oh, there's no charge. It's all part of the service.
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