Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old journalists never die, they just get de pressed.

Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their

metal coils.

Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on,

and on….

Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

Old students never die, they just get degraded.

Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.

There is no conclusive evidence about what happens to old

skeptics, but their future is doubtful.

Ever notice how a 4 year olds voice is louder than 200 adult voices?

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm

hit, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my

bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife,

Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to

sleeping in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked

to the children, and explained that it was o.k. to sleep with Mom

when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don’t

sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children

picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the

plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for

my plane’s arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting

for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my

son saw me, and came running & shouting, “Hi, Dad! I’ve got some

good news!� As I waved back, I said loudly, “What’s the good news?�

“Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!� Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area

looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of

the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third.

"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another contributed.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Thank God we can all still drive," said one woman cheerfully.

1970: Wore long hair
2001: Longing for hair

1970: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high.
2001: Sitting around thinking of the perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Finding a friend to split the price of a keg.
2001: Finding a friend to take me to have an EKG.

1970: Sitting through sessions of Acid Rock.
2001: Sitting through sessions of Acid Reflux.

1970: Thinking of moving to a real kool place.
2001: Thinking of moving to a real warm place.

1970: News stories of people growing pot.
2001: The reality of growing a pot belly.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my mother and sister.
2001: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with my grown children.

1970: Trying to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O'Neal.
2001: Trying NOT to look like Richard Roundtree or Ron O'Neal.

1970: Chewing on seeds and stems.
2001: Chewing on lots of roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2001: Popping joints, needing those pills.

1970: Noting our president's struggle with Fidel.
2001: Noting our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Admiring JACK PAAR.
2001: Joining AARP

1970: Avoiding Killer weed.
2001: Avoiding Weed killer.

1970: Hoping to "get lucky" on a date.
2001: Hoping you won't catch anything from your "lucky" date.

1970: Reading about The Grateful Dead.
2001: Reading about Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2001: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Listening to the Rolling Stones.
2001: Struggling with Kidney stones.

1970: Yelling, "Screw the system!"
2001: Reminding yourself to, "Upgrade the damn system!"

1970: Throwing the Peace sign.
2001: Watching the Mercedes logo.

1970: Friends who wouldn't get their hair cut.
2001: Children begging to get their heads shaved.

1970: Talking to friends about taking acid.
2001: Talking to friends about taking antacid.

1970: Proud to be passing the driver's test.
2001: Barely passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever" was a typical response.
2001: "That Depends" is the way to go.

An 80 year old man went into the confessional and told the priest

the following:

“Father, I am an 80 year old man, I’m married, I have 4 children

and 11 grandchildren. Last night I strayed and had an affair with

two 18 year old girls. We partied and made love all night long.�

The priest said, “My son, when was the last time you were at

confession?�

The old man said, “I have never been to confession, I’m Jewish.�

The priest said, “Then why are you here telling me this?�

The old man said, “Father, I’m telling everyone!�

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank! you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they

walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer

walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would

be a loud “thud�, and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch

hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going,

Father?�

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road and

that his car had broken down and he was late to say mass.

“I’ll give you a lift.�

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver

continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer

walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At

the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and

swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the

lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.� Unsure of where the noise

came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything,

he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit

a lawyer.�

The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.�

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 50 or hovering over 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon the world.

So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the results. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals,

2. Spiked hair and bald spots,

3. A pierced tongue and dentures,

4. Miniskirts and support hose,

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads,

6. Speedos and cellulite,

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar,

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor,

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge,

10. Bikinis and liver spots,

11. Short shorts and varicose veins,

12. In-line skates and a walker.

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.? As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

You’ll never have to endure those harrowing visits to the dentist again.

You’ll save a fortune on shampoo.

Your hernia operation will make you a star at the local pub.

You will look distinguished with your receding hairline, double chin and wrinkles.

You have survived the humiliation of middle age.