It was an awful winter at Valley Forge, and, realizing he had to do something to keep his men from freezing, General Washington decided to quarter as many as possible in the surrounding village.
Mustering the men, he set out. The first place they reached was a tailor's shop. Though the man had a family often, he said he would gladly make room for one soldier.
"All right," said the grateful general, "I ll leave you with Cox. He's the shortest man in the regiment and will inconvenience you the least."
Moving on through the bitter winds, the general came to what was obviously a brothel. Although his morality was offended by the thought of staying there, he knew the welfare of his men must come first. Thus, he rapped on the door.
When the madam arrived, General Washington doffed his hat and said, "My good woman, my troops need warm beds for the night. If there is any way you could accommodate us, it would be deeply appreciated."
Worried that the men would monopolize her girls, she said dubiously, "How many are you?"
"Forty," he said, "without Cox."
The madam sighed, "In that case, come right in.
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broadIBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
IBM compatible - IBM contemptible
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I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.
"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters." Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
Quotes about American Miliraty
Working for the military one often runs across some interesting stuff ...From a Russian document:
"one of the serious problems in planning against American doctrine is that the Americans do not read their manuals nor do they feel any obligations to follow their doctrine."
Quote from a German general officer:
"The reason that the American Army does so well in wartime, is that war is chaos, and the American Army practices chaos on a daily basis."
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad99 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
101 little bugs in the code.
101 little bugs in the code,
101 bugs in the code,
Fix one bug, compile it again,
103 little bugs in the code.
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Michael Jordan will make over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.
Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year,he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!
Assuming he sleeps 7 hrs a night, he makes $52,000 every night.
If he goes to a movie, he'll pay $7.00, but he'll make $18,550.
He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.
If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.
Next year, he'll make more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.
Amazing isn't it?
...
BUT:
JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broadAirline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.
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Another fine item from the minds of Intel engineers with a tad too much time on their hands:
Top 10 things to do while waiting for Windows 95
- Try to fix all the other Windows stuff that ain't working.
- Buy stock in the company that'll be making all those ('96) stickers.
- Tease Microsoft for not having a great code name like OS/2 does.
- Move to Seattle to save money on support calls and hear Frasier every morning to boot.
- Think up some more "they'll have a version for it soon" excuses.
- E-mail technet@microsoft.com every day asking "Is it done yet?"
- Lobby to get name changed to "BOB - Profesional Edition."
- Corner local Prozac and Mountain Dew markets, ransom to Microsoft development staff.
- Consider renaming all in-house applications to something 95 to avoid deadlines.
- Quit job, become sanitation engineer with decent pay and can-eat benefits.
A: Exactly five hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, "Me Too."
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the "Me Too's" and happily add, "Me Three!"
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
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Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE all CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of email, especially from work.
Thou shalt not use email for any illegal or unethical purpose.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
And, the Golden Rule of email:
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not unto others. Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
State Troopers blooper
The following is another goodie related to me by my mom years ago. It's another one of those that's just a little too good to be true. Though the veracity may be questionable, it's a great story.Preface: Policemen, firefighters, etc. used to have annual dinner-dance type affairs (they were referred to as "The Policeman's Ball", etc) to raise money for the local constabulatory. The individual officers were responsible for selling tickets to the event to those on their beat.
And now, the story:
A woman was driving down the road one day only to find herself behind a horse trailer being pulled by a pick-up truck. As they were driving along, the back door of the horse trailer came loose and swung open, exposing the rear end of the horse inside.
Eventually, gastric and bowel processes completed, the horse's tail lifted and - voila - the woman's windshield was covered in horse stuff.
Now the woman's first instinct was, of course, to turn on the windshield wipers. Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse and as the woman tried to gain control of the car and keep it on the road, she heard a siren.
Craning her neck out the window to steer the car onto the shoulder, she noticed that the siren was sounding from directly behind her and followed her onto the shoulder.
Sitting in her car, trying to regain her composure, a state trooper came alongside and asked the woman for her license and registration. Now, it was readily apparent from even a cursory glance, what had happened to the windshield of the woman's car and she was shocked that the trooper appeared so callous and had not even enquired as to her safety.
"What do you want my license and registration for?" asked the woman.
"You were driving erratically," replied the state trooper.
Now, almost apoplectic, the woman began fumbling through her purse. As she presented the requested documents to the state trooper she asked, sarcastically, "I suppose you want to sell me a ticket to the state trooper's ball, also."
The state trooper fixed her with a long, hard gaze, drew himself up to his full height and replied, "Ma'am. State Troopers don't have balls!"
After a momentary pause, the trooper's face turned several shades of red. He handed back her license and registration, strode back to his car and drove off.
Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broadResponce to 911 call
The dorbell rings and a woman opens the door.The man who rang speaks (looking really agitated): "We are from 911, we came for the man having a heartattack, because of the burglers who got into his house and raped his daughter under his eyes ... This is no. 46, right?"
"Yes!"
"This is the Johnson family, right?"
"No way! The Johnsons moved three months ago!"
"Goddammit! I hate these people! They call 911 and then they move! Darn!"
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