1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
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Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!
(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :) Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.
BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..
You don't. You get down from a duck.
-Why did the elephant paint himself all different colors?
So he could hide in the crayon box.
-Why do elephants have wrinkles?
Because they are so hard to iron.
-Why did the elephant put skates on before he went to bed?
Because he wanted to get rolling in the morning.
-Why can't an elephant ride a tricycle?
Because it doesn't have a thumb to ring the bell.
-Why do elephants wear sunglasses?
So no one will recognize them.
-Why are elephants such poor dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
-What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence.
-Why can't elephants go swimming at the beach?
Because they can't keep their trunks up. Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite.
What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside.
Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job.
Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them.
Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in
2000.
What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY.
Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies.
What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap.
What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff. Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
Those three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their
fathers are.
The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and
start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".
The second one says: "Ha! You think that''s fast! My father is a hunter. He can
shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You
two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at
4:30 and he is home by 3:45"!!
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he
politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I''ve just
buried him."
The neighbor was very concerned. "That''s an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn''t it?"
Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That''s because he''s
inside your fricking cat."
"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.
"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."
The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"
"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."
The teacher came up with a good problem.
"Suppose," she asked the second-graders, "there were a dozen sheep and six of
them jumped over a fence.
How many would be left?"
"None," answered little Norman.
"None? Norman, you don''t know your arithmetic."
"Teacher, you don''t know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"
Taoism : Shit Happens.
Buddhism : If shit happens it's not really shit.
Islam : If shit happens it is the will of Allah
Protestantism : Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Judaism : Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism : This shit happened before.
Catholicism : Shit happens cuz you are bad.
Hare Krishna : Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. evangelism : Send more shit.
Atheism : NO shit!
Jehovah's witness : Knock Knock Shit happens.
Hedonism : There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science : Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism : What is shit anyway?
Stoicism : This shit doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianinsm : Let's smoke this shit. Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
The first guy said I wish I were 25% smarter. So poof! He was 25% smater built a raft and got off the island.
The nex guy said I wish I were 50% smarter. So poof! He was 50% smater built a canoe and got off the island.
The last guy said I wish I were 100% smarter. So poof! He was 100% turned into a girl and walked across the bridge!! Send Free SMS To Any Mobile In INDIA or broad
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out
to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don''t want to go out
there. It''s dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don''t have to be afraid of the
dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He''ll look after you and protect
you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he''s out
there?"
"Yes, I''m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you
need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door
and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If
you''re out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."
"What do you mean `all wet?'"
"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."