What do you call the queue of Software

Engineers standing outside Heaven ?
The Y2K deadline !

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"

In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go  into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.  "Oh Father, I have truly sinned, I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation.  Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

The altar boy said, "a Snickers bar and a Coke."

An airplane pilot dies at the controls. He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area. There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot that he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil has to take care of something first, and disappears.

The curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two, and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain being waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position. He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot says, "I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil, "that's 'flight attendant's hell'."

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven. When
he got there, he had to wait in the reception area.

Heaven's reception area was the size of Massachusetts. There were
literally millions of people milling about, living in tents with nothing to
do all day. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks,
while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.
Booze and drugs were being passed around. Fights were commonplace.
Sanitation conditions were appalling. All in all, the scene looked like
Woodstock gone metastatic.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, one of the
staffers approached him. The staffer was a young man in his late teens,
face scarred with acne. He was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM
PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow lettering.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice that could have been the
voice of any clerk in any overgrown bureaucracy. "My name is Gabriel and
I'll be your induction coordinator." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm just a
guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at the age of
17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese in
which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill." Gabriel started searching though the sheaf of papers on
his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works. "What's going on
here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's Saint Peter?
Where are the Pearly Gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. Then
Gabriel looked up in surprise. "It says here that you were the president of
a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well then, do the math chip-head! When this Saint Peter business
started, it was an easy gig. Only a hundred or so people died every day,
and Peter could handle it all by himself, no problem. But now there are
over five billion people on earth. Jesus, when God said to 'go forth and
multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' With that large a population, ten
thousand people die every hour. Over a quarter-million people a day. Do
you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So Peter had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter
is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. He just sits in the corporate
headquarters and sets policy. Franchisees like me handle the actual
inductions." Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more, and then
continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like
yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend the rest of eternity sitting on
your ass and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to
pull your weight around here!" Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill
sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill.
"Take this down to induction center #23 and meet up with your occupational
orientator. His name is Abraham." Bill started to ask a question, but
Gabriel interrupted him. "No, he's not *that* Abraham."

* * * * * * * * * * *

Bill walked down a muddy trail for ten miles until he came to induction
center #23. He met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data processing
infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing
everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries."

"I had to wait *three* weeks," said Bill. Abraham stared at Bill
angrily, and Bill realized that he'd made a mistake. Even in Heaven, it's
best not to contradict a bureaucrat. "Well," Bill offered, "maybe that
Bosnia thing has you guys backed up."

Abraham's look of anger faded to mere annoyance. "Your job will be to
supervise Heaven's new data processing center. We're building the largest
computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a
multi-segment fiber optic network, all running into a back-end server
network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fully fault tolerant.
Fully distributed processing. The works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job!
This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations
soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data
processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger
than the Astrodome. Workmen were crawling all over the place, getting the
miles of fiber optic cables properly installed. But the center was
dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged neatly
row-by-row, half a million ....

.... Macintoshes ....

.... all running Claris software! Not a PC in sight! Not a single
byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending the rest of eternity using products that he had
spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill. "What about
PCs???" he exclaimed. "What about Windows??? What about Excel??? What
about Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "We need a computer system that's
heavenly to use. If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs
running Windows, then go to Hell!"

A teacher dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there, she meets
Peter at the pearly white gates.

Peter says to her, "Welcome to Heaven. Let me give you an orientation first."

So, Peter takes her to some beautiful mansions. The teacher asks,
"Who lives here in these beautiful houses?"

These are for doctors. They did a lot of good on Earth so they get a
nice mansion," replied Peter. Peter takes the teacher to some more
mansions. These were more magnificent than the first.

"Wow, who lives here?"

These mansions are for social workers. They did a lot of good on
Earth but didn't make a lot of money so they get a better house."

Peter took the teacher to some more mansions. These were the most
gorgeous homes she had ever seen. They had huge columns,
well-manicured lawns, beautiful stained glass windows; the works!

"These are the most beautiful homes I have ever seen," exclaimed the
teacher, "who lives here?!"

"Teachers live here." said Peter, "They did much good on Earth and
received very little money so they get the best houses in all of
Heaven."

"But where are all of the teachers?" inquired the teacher.

Peter answered, "Oh, they'll be back soon. They're all in Hell at an
in-service."

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared.

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"

The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right."

"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to Heaven.

A Pagan dies and, to his great surprise, he finds himself standing
before some pearly gates. St. Peter asks him, "May I help you?"

The Pagan asks, "Where am I?"

Peter says, "You're at the gates of heaven."

The Pagan says, "But I don't believe in heaven."

Peter frowns at him. "You're one of those Pagans, aren't you?"

"Yes. I believe I'm in the wrong place; I'm supposed to go to
Summerland."

Peter says, "Sorry. We took over Summerland, and it's temporarily
closed for remodeling."

"What should I do now?"

Peter says, "Well, since we don't allow Pagans in heaven, you have
to go to hell. Sorry. Just follow that path that leads downward and
to the left."

The Pagan walks down to hell, where the gates are standing open. He
walks in and finds beautiful meadows, happy animals, and clear
streams of water.

He walks on in and begins exploring, and after a few minutes a
courtly gentleman walks up to him and bows politely. "Hello, I'm
Satan. You must be the guy that St. Peter phoned me about. Are you a
Pagan?"

"Yes, I am. What's going to happen now?"

Satan says, "Well, the fishing's pretty good, if you enjoy that sort
of thing. There's a little refreshment stand down the road. And I
believe the Pagan meeting grounds are right over the next hill."

Suddenly, a hole opens up in the sky above, and a yawning chasm
opens directly underneath it. The stench of sulphur fills the air.
Hundreds of screaming, tortured souls drop down into the flaming
pit, which immediately closes up with a thud.

The Pagan, hardly believing what he just saw, asks Satan, "And what
was THAT ???"

Satan rolls his eyes. "Oh, just ignore them. They're Christians;
they wouldn't have it any other way.

Here i lay in the hospital on my death bed.  Trying to figure out if i'm going to heaven or hell.

An angel comes in to take a tally of my sins. he advises me that it don't look good for me to be able to go to heaven as your records show you have broken 9 of the ten commandmens.

why is that he asked?

lets see i quit drinking when i was 21, and quit chasing wemon at 24.

that is good he said you have 2 points in your faver.

no i don't, when i quit drinking at 21 is because i sobered up and found out it was legal to drink so that took all the fun out off it.

when i quit chasing wemon at 24 is because i caught the one i was chasing.

now 50 yrs of being merried 45 yrs of it was living in hell already with that she devil so i think i deserve to go up as i already served my time in merital hell.

An elderly man took his little grandson for a walk around the local cemetery.

Pausing before one gravestone, he said, "There lies a very honest man. He died owing me 50 dollars, but he struggled to the end to pay off his debts and if anyone has gone to Heaven, he has."

They walked on a bit farther and then came to another grave.

The old man pointed to the gravestone and said, "Now, there's a different type of man altogether. He owed me 60 dollars and he died without ever trying to pay me back. If anyone has gone to Hell, he has."

The little boy thought for awhile and then said, "You know, Grandpa, you are very lucky."

"Why"? asked the old man in surprise.

"Well, whichever place you go to, you'll have some money to draw on!"

There was a construction worker who was working on a building when he fell 15 stories to his bloody death. He arrived at the pearly gates and St. Peter said ''Oh, I am sorry, my son. But you have been sentenced to hell. The worker agreed -- not like he could do anything else -- and he was on his way.

When he arrived, the devil looked at him and said, “Ah! A new slave. We shall burn you and throw you in the fiery pits.� Then the worker replied, “That wall could use a bit of patching. I could fix it first and you could throw me in the pit afterward.� So he fixed the wall. Satan, intrigued, asked, “What else can you build?� So the construction worker went about his job and made many improvements; in fact, by the time he was done, hell was a paradise. It had air conditioning, pools, balconies, you name it.

Within a few days, God phoned Satan and said, “I think there has been a mix-up. That worker was originally supposed to come to heaven.� Satan replied, “No way -- he's built all sorts of useful stuff for us. We're keeping him.� God then said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I'll see you in court. We're going to sue you for this man's soul and damages. Satan just laughed: “And where are you going to find a lawyer?�

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?� I
asked the children in my Sunday school class.

“NO!� the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?�

Once more they all answered, “NO!�

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all thechildren and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?� I
asked them again.

Once more they all answered, “NO!�

“Well,� I continued, thinking they were a good bit more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for,
“Then how can I get into heaven?�

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!�