Q: What's the difference between a eunuch and an Eskimo?
A: A eunuch is a massive vassal with a passive tassel, while an Eskimo is a rigid midget with a frigid digit.

Never squat with yer spurs on.

There are two theories to arguin' with a woman; neither one works.

Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew, your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.

Good judgment comes from experience; experience comes from bad judgment.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There was this English Man, Scotch Man and an Irish Man going for a job interview.

They all had there induction exams, and where all called back one at a time.

The English man walks in first, and the interviewer says: "Well, you past your exam with flying colours! But theres one thing I like about a man and thats honesty, so can you notice anything odd about me?"

The English man looks and nods: "Yes, you've got one ear on the top of your head, and one at the side of you head!"

The interviewer was very pleased with the English mans honesty, and sent for the Scott. The interviewer goes through the same routine again and comes to the final question, and the Scott replies: "well, you've got one ear on top of your head and another at the side of you head!"

The interviewer again very pleased with the Sotts honesty sent for the Irish man. The interviewer precedes with the same rigmarole, and comes to the final question "Can you notice anything odd about me?"

The Irish man takes a long look at the interviewer opposite, "Yes I can Sir!" the Irish man answered "You were contact lenses!"

The interviewer amazed at his answer, "How do you know that?"

He asked, and the Irish man replied "Well you couldn't get a pair of glasses on them ears!"

• Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.

• Amazing city Baltimore. Where else can ya bet on a horse race like the Preakness with your welfare check ?

• Most of the natives in Baltimore aren't very friendly. In fact, if it weren't for muggings, there'd be almost no personal contact.

• Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still behind bars. Of course, that's for their own safety & protection.

• There's a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes in seafood. The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.

• Chivalry isn't dead yet though. A lady, her arms loaded with a lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a seat, one fellow whispered to her, "Be alert now, I get off at the stop after next."

• In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life - most run however.

• Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.

• But seriously, Baltimore is one great town where something happens every minute; unfortunately, most of it goes unsolved though.

After this proclamation of promise, the chief asks the cowboy his first desire, but the cowboy says he must talk to his horse first. The chief grants the request, and the cowboy whispers into the horse's ear and sends him galloping off.

At sunset, the trusty steed returns with a voluptuous, naked brunette. The cowboy helps the woman from the horse's back, takes her into his wigwam and makes love to her all night long.

On the second day, the chief says to the cowboy, "This is second day. What is second wish?" The cowboy, once again, requests a conference with his horse, and, once again, the horse rides off from the Indian camp. At sunset, the animal returns with a voluptuous, naked red-head. As before, the cowboy takes the woman into his quarters and makes love to her all night long.

On the third day of captivity, the chief goes to the cowboy and says, "This is your last day of life. What is last wish before you die?"

AGAIN, the cowboy requests to speak with his horse, but, this time, the cowboy does not whisper in the equestrian ear. He grabs the harness and gets nose-to-nose with the horse and screams, "THIS TIME BRING THE POSEE!!!!"

The orthopedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items. I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat.

I hadn't considered the drive across town. At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."

The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, lady," he said, "but I think it's too late!"

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"

Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down."

"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a 'forward to da trip. All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket.

"The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'"

"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'"

"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'"

"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar. Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he come'a through car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"

"Next'a time, Ima driva down!!"

A new medical facility with several different specialists opened in a trendy part of the city.

Wanting to be different and creative, the administration decided that each doctor's office door would, in some way, be representative of his practice.

So, when construction was complete, the eye doctor's door had a peep hole, the orthopedist's door had a broken hinge, the psychiatrist's door was painted all kinds of crazy colours and the proctologist's door was left open - just a crack.

A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,"A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' ... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin ... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh I was thinkin ... perhaps its aboot time you let me poot ma hand on your leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "My thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Aye," said the lad.

The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

"Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Recently, somewhere in the US a teacher gave his class a not-too-kosher maths test which landed him in the proverbial soup. The original was edited and given to the class in all seriousness (I think). But there was some logical reasoning behind it!

Many people claim the reason innner city students do poorly on standardized tests is because the tests are culturally biased as part of an evil white surburbanite plan. This is of course a much more likely explanation than the idea that drugs, running gun battles and teen pregnancy are disruptive to education.

So, here's a culturally normalized standard test.

Name:____________
Alias:____________
Gang:____________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 40 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots, and he shoots 13 times at every drive by shooting, how may drive by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Ricky for $320 and 2 grams to D.J. for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If his price is $65 per fuck, how many tricks will each have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound pound of heroin and make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for stealing a Chevy, and $200 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make $1000?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 8 square feet, how many letters can Tagger spray if he steals 3 cans of paint and finds 1 can of paint 1/3 empty?
8. Hector has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. If there are 27 girls in the gang, what percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $235 per month rent goes up 15%, how many children should she have to keep up with expenses?
10. Salvator was arrested for dealing crack and his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose for jumping bail?

Yes ladies and gentlemen Canada is north, and Mexico is south, but east and west there *are* other people, cultures, countries and other interesting thing that weren't made in America.