What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?

A peeping tom.

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

After it was all over and Noah lowered the ramp of the ark for all the
animals to leave, he told the animals "To go forth and multiply."

All the animals left except two snakes who lay quietly in the corner of the
ark.

"Why can't you go forth and multiply?" demanded Noah.

"We can't," answered the snakes. "We're adders."

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What''s time to a pig?"

A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.

The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"

The owner says, "Alright, how about a cat?"

The man replies, "No way! A cat can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"

The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"

The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay. I'll try a centipede."

He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."

Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away; the countertops cleaned; the appliances sparkling; the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.

Then he says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."

Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed; the furniture cleaned and dusted; the pillows on the sofa plumped; and the plants watered. The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"

Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."

The centipede walks out the door. Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later, no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.

By this point, the man is wondering what's going on. So he goes to the front door, opens it, and there's the centipede sitting right outside.

The man says, "Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"

The centipede says, "I'm going! I'm going! I'm just putting on my shoes!"